guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
