So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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