Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
