Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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