i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
