The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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