He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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