3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
