god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
