you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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