What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
