i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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