I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
