I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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