were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize