My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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