why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize