Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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