Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
