the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
