Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
