He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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