i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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