Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize