Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
