brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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