Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
