He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
