U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i wish my penis had a tongue
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
