I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
