I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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