I'm eating all of the evidence.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
