nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
