Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
please come you make the beer taste better
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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