Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
