so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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