apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
