We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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