I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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