I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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