just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
