just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
