my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
