Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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