Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
