Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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