Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
