So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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