I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
