Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My ATM looks so different sober.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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