Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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