Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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