I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
