If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
