You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
