So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
