booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
