I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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