Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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