it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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