So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
