remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
