The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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