I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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