we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
